Fade to Nothing
by greyhoundredux
Summary: Funerals make things all too real.


**A/N: **Melancholy since I'm in a depressing mood. Bad language courtesy of our own Steve Randle.  
**Disclaimer: **I do NOT own The Outsiders or the poem used below. They're owned by S.E. Hinton and Robert Louis Stevenson.

* * *

"Are you ready for this, Ponyboy?"

"Yeah," he says, voice low, sad. Lifeless. But the truth is, he is not ready. Funerals make things all too real. It makes it reality. Ponyboy hasn't wanted to accept this. He's become a shell of himself. But the reality is finally starting to settle in and it is hitting him hard.

Darry puts his hand on Ponyboy's shoulder. Ponyboy doesn't want comfort from his older brother. He wants to shrivel up in a ball. He wipes at his eyes and slowly he trudges out the front door, Darry following close behind.

Pony is proud of his brother. Soda. Brave, noble, gallant. Those are the only words to describe him. Loyal to his country. It was a great way to die, really. For his country. But Ponyboy can't help but think that it's not fair. Soda was too young. Too… great. Ponyboy can't help but wish it was he who died instead. Soda always knew how to make things better, something Pony felt like he never could do.

As soon as Ponyboy opens the door, Two-Bit's there, leaning against the doorframe. He looks at Ponyboy for a split second before slinging his arm around his shoulder. His eyes are red-rimmed, and Pony can not remember the last time he saw Two-Bit cry. Pony doesn't want comfort from him, either. Soda's only died four days ago and already Ponyboy is sick to his stomach from the sympathetic smiles, the _I'm so sorry_, or the _condolences to your poor family. _It makes him want to punch a wall.

Ponyboy thinks Mrs. Mathews is the worst reaction so far. It was hard to tell her. It's hard to tell anyone about it, actually. Like funerals, saying it aloud makes it real. "Those poor boys. Those poor _children_! First their parents, now this! Ponyboy's so _young_! Too young, my God… And Sodapop, too… Oh, Darry, oh, Lord…" she sobbed.

That had set Ponyboy on edge.

Steve had gotten back from 'Nam two weeks before Soda was killed. Pony remembers what Steve said right when he got back. Strangely enough, the first thing Pony did when he saw Steve was engulf him in to an embrace.

A couple days later, by a strange set of circumstances, Ponyboy and Steve were left at the house by themselves, watching the news. A segment about the war appeared and that got Steve thinking. "You're gettin' older, Pony," Steve randomly lectured. "You gotta dodge the draft, man, or somethin'. Shit, I don't know. Move to Canada, or something, man, I don't give a fuck." Pony could barely understand what he was saying, he was talking so fast. "You just gotta stay away from 'Nam. Some crazy shit happens there. I don't mean to freak you out or nothin', but it's true. You got some talent, kid. You need to go somewhere in life."

"Shit, Steve," Pony had said to him, exasperated. He was dumfounded at his openness; Steve's never been one to say his feelings. "Jesus. How long you think this war's gonna last?"

"Forever, or at least that's what it felt like back there. We ain't got any business bein' over there." Steve grabbed a cigarette out of his pocket and popped it in his mouth. "Fuck. I hate it, Ponyboy. I do. I've always liked rumbles. Thought they were fun, exhiliratin'. But this ain't like rumbles. This is killin'."

Ponyboy took a deep breath. Breathed through the hurt. "You ain't makin' me feel any better," he mumbled stupidly.

"That's life for you. I ain't tryin' to sugar coat nothin'."

When they told Steve about Soda yesterday, Steve didn't do anything. He didn't do _anything. _He just stared straight ahead, eyes boring in to nothingness. Ponyboy almost wondered if he heard them. But Ponyboy knew why. Steve's been messed up lately - riding the dragon too much. But Ponyboy knows that is war and war does that to you.

Now Ponyboy's getting in to the truck with Darry and Two-Bit. He wonders if Steve will show up. He knows Steve has his own way to deal with things - he always has.

Pony stares out the window, and tears are already falling down his face. He thought the crying would have been done with already, but on and off at any random time periods Ponyboy starts to cry. It's been happening a lot lately. It happens whenever, even when he least expects it.

He doesn't want to go to the funeral - to relive what he's been through too many times before. Pony thinks it sounds wrong, but he would rather Soda be dead than like Steve, because that just ain't what Soda's like, and he thinks it would kill him if he saw his once happy-go-lucky brother turn in to a plain carcass - a shell filled with never ending nothingness. Dead is better than that horrible _nothing_.

He blinks his eyes. Once. Twice. He shuts them and when he opens them again he's there. The funeral home. They shuffle out and Pony leans against the car, fixing his tie. He hasn't slept well in days. It was too much for him when he woke up that Soda wasn't there - he would never be there. Sodapop hadn't been there for months, but to be _truly gone_… it made Ponyboy's heart hurt. Pony always allowed himself a glimmer of hope, maybe foolishly, that Soda would be all right.

They numbly walk in, and everything happens in a blur. Ponyboy goes up to the altar, and recites a poem in his brother's honor:

"_He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much;  
Who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children;  
Who has filled his niche and accomplished his task;  
Who has left the world better than he found it;  
Who has looked for the best in others and given the best he had;  
Whose life was an inspiration…_"

He blinks back tears, but he can't control his voice from cracking on the last line.

"…_And whose memory is a benediction._"

-Robert Louis Stevenson

And for the first time, Ponyboy looks up at the crowd. Pony can't even look at Darry. Darry crying isn't something Ponyboy can easily fathom.

He doesn't care if he's crying and greasers never cry, because now it's seems like stupid, childish bullshit that doesn't even matter anymore. He sees more people than he thought he would. Two-Bit, Cherry, Marcia, and Randy are there. Soda's co-workers and friends at the DX, old school friends, Darry's workmates, and a lot of Ponyboy's classmates. And even Sandy.

Pony's heart stops. He hasn't seen Sandy in nearly two years. Soda would have liked to see her. She looks older now, her once beautiful, wavy blonde hair now straight and limp. She's crying, clutching a young, confused looking child close to her side. Pony guesses that's her kid.

Seeing Sandy, he can't help but think it's not fair that Sodapop never got a real opportunity for love after her. He dated around a bit, but never stayed with the same girl for long. Sandy left him scarred. Soda meant it when he said he loved her.

Pony looks to the side. Steve is sitting there, with that same _nothing _look on his face. He finds himself waiting and hoping that Steve will throw him one of those infamous smirks, or a reassuring smile, but there's _nothing_. Just like there always is.

On the way back to the pews, he stares at Soda's closed casket - neither he nor Darry wanted to see Soda in a coffin - and wipes his eyes furiously. You need to regain control, he tells himself.

He sits back down next to Darry and he pulls Pony in a hug. Instead of pushing himself away, he hangs on, sobbing in spite of himself. He knew he would always miss Soda.

Once again, they pile in to their vehicle. Off to the cemetery they go.

It's raining. Pony watches the thick drops splatter down the car window. The weather reflects Ponyboy's mood. It seems as though even the angels are crying on this dark day.

The guns go off and they go off loud. It makes Pony jump. He's apprehensive, a ball of nerves. But that's all he's been lately. Pony's almost relieved. He's spent so much time worrying about this, that now that it's finally over, maybe he can get some sleep again. But Ponyboy knows that won't ever happen.

Steve puts an arm around Ponyboy, the first time he's showed emotion this whole time. Ponyboy just stays still, staring ahead at nothing. Maybe he's fading in to the nothing. The nothing that's completely engulfed Steve. War does that to you. Deaths of loved ones do that to you, too.

An American flag is draped over Sodapop's coffin, and Pony feels the knots in his stomach tighten. This is actually happening, his brain screams. Oh my God, it's actually happening.

Tears flood streams down his face. There starts the random tears again.

Everyone goes to breakfast after the funeral. Pony wants to scream. How can anyone ever eat again after this? Without Soda?

Greasers and Socs alike pile in to a tiny diner, and Pony can't help but think that this is something Soda would have wanted. For everyone to get along.

After breakfast (Pony couldn't force anything down), Cherry swaggers over. Her green eyes are sparkling. Marcia and Randy follow behind her. Ponyboy hasn't had a normal conversation with her since after the Windrixville trial. Unlike when they first met at the movies, Ponyboy's now towering over Cherry and Marcia. He's the same height as Randy.

"Hi, Ponyboy," says Cherry. She pulls him in to a hug. "I'm so sorry," she whispers in to his ear. "I know how much he meant to you."

"It's okay," he whispers back in to her ear. But it kills him to say this.

"Hi, guys," Pony says to Marcia and Randy. Marcia's crying and blowing her nose in to a tissue.

"Stay strong, Pony," Randy pats Ponyboy's shoulder, and Pony wants to scream again. He can't stay strong. He won't stay strong. He can't constantly have all of this pressure on him.

Later that night, while Ponyboy's in his room, Darry says, trying to comfort, "It'll all be okay."

But Ponyboy knows that's a lie. Things will never be okay again.

* * *

Review, please. Sorry for such a freakin' depressing ending. I want to cry a little. Poor Pony.


End file.
